Whopper of the Day: Night Duty

Don’t you hate it when you go to bed at the proper time, but circumstances beyond your control keep you from sleeping? Yeah, that’s what I put up with last night? What circumstances were these, pray tell? Well, I’ll tell you – a pup who clearly slept all day – lazy beggar – and then wanted to play all night! Here’s how it went:

10:15 pm
Teeth brushed, hair combed, face washed – check . Read ‘Dark Days’ by Derek Landy (#4 in the Skullduggery series) for 15 minutes. Charlie plays with/chews on favorite toy of the night.

10:30 pm
Lights go out, Charlie settles down on his pillow, Jeannie snuggles up on hers, we drift off to sleep.

11:15 pm
Thunk. Tippety-tippety-tippety. Tippety-tippety-tippety… … … Tippety-tippety-tippety-tap. Silence. Slurp, slurp, slurp… … … Tippety-tippety-tippety. Tippety-tippety-tippety. Silence. Ggggggrrrrrrrr. Ggggggrrrrrrrrgggrrrrrrrr. Woof.
“Charlie! Get back up here! Go to sleep!” Tippety-tippety-tippety… … … thump. Charlie settles down.

12:30 am
“Hey. Hey Mom. MOM!”
“Go to sleep.”
“But MOM!  I hear a mouse.”
“I don’t care. Go to sleep.”
“But there’s a mouse in here! I don’t like him – he thinks he can just do anything he wants. I wanna bite him.”
“Ignore the mouse. Go to sleep! And don’t wake me up again.”
Charlie turns in circles about a billion times till the pillow is mashed just the way he likes it. “Fine. But I’m gonna get that mouse.”
“Whatever. Go to sleep.”

1:45 am
Thunk. Tippety-tippety-tippety. Tippety-tippety-tippety… … … Tippety-tippety-tippety-tap. “ROWOOWWRIROORW ROWROWROWRWE GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RAHRRWROWR!”
“CHARLIE! SHUT UP AND GET BACK IN BED!”
“But there’s a bird outside!”
“It’s just the #$%^& ^&*^* wind! Get back in bed!”
“Sounds like a bird to me!”
“I don’t care if it’s a t-rex! As long as it doesn’t come in here, I don’t need to know! Now go to sleep AND DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!”
“Well, you don’t have to yell.” Charlie turns in circles about a billion more times till the pillow is mashed just the way he likes it.

2:35 am
“Hey. Hey Mom. MOM!”
“There had better be a horde murderers at the bedroom door, dog.”
“What’dya think of that little white dog down the street. She’s pretty cute, eh?”
“Not at 2:30 in the morning, no! Go to sleep!”
“Think she’d go out with me?”
“You’re neutered. Go to sleep.”
“Yeah, I don’t know that means. Could you drive us to the movies tomorrow night?”
“GO TO SLEEP! AND DON’T WAKE ME UP AGAIN!”
“So that’s a maybe?”
“Arggh!” Jeannie stuffs head under pillow.
“Can I sleep by the window?”
“NO!!!”

4:23 am
Thunk. Tippety-tippety-tippety. Tippety-tippety-tippety… … … Tippety-tippety-tippety-tap. “ROWOOWWRIROORW ROWROWROWRWE GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RAHRRWROWR!”
“What no-ow-owwwww?”
“Bug.”
“Bug. You woke me up again for a bug.”
“Well, it was on the screen. What’d you want me to do?”
“I give up.”
“Does that mean I can play now?”
“NO!!!”
“Fine! I don’t like you when you yell.”

6:00 am
Beep beep beep beep… Beep beep beep beep… Beep beep beep beep… Beep beep beep beep…
“Aw man. It is NOT six o’ clock yet. Damn it!”
“Actually it is, Mom. And would you turn that off? It’s keeping me awake.”

Yeah, tonight, right after I double my blood pressure meds, I’m going to put diazepam in his water! Little brat.

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