|The Mage Sister||
Have you heard? There is a new method of identity theft lately. Evidently, according to a recent police report, a woman came in to report that thieves had broken into her house during the night, stolen her hands, and were using them to steal her identity.
The lady insisted on filling out a report, which she did. She took the form and the pen, had a seat in the lobby, and began filling out the report. With her hands.
Naturally, the local constabulary was skeptical and more than a little suspicious. They tried to clarify the woman’s complaint, really wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt. “What exactly do you mean?” they queried. “Perhaps they took your fingerprints?”
Although, I’m not sure how exactly that could lead to identity theft, myself. I suppose someone could use your fingerprints to frame you for… something. But that’s just me, and clearly I’m naïve.
NO! she insisted. Those rotten rotters had snuck into her house while she was sleeping, cut off her hands and stolen them, and were out there right now using them to do their dirty deeds, disguised as her! And probably robbing banks and opening credit accounts at liquor stores and maxing them out and running drug cartels and buying purses and shoes and the like. The dirty scoundrels!
But ma’am, your hands are right there one the end of your arms, they pointed out. You’re using them to fill out that form.
Lies! Hearsay! Untruths! she screamed. How can you not see the truth when it’s presented right in front of you with such compelling evidence!
Then the bus showed up to take her to the local mental care establishment.
“Has she been complaining about her hands being missing again?” asked the weary attendant.
“Um… yes,” said the officer taking the complaint. “She claims they were stolen.”
***Sigh*** “Sorry.” He turns to the woman. “Back on the bus, young lady, and no more of this sneaking off business or you don’t get dessert tonight.”
“Oh fine!” she snaps. “But will you help me find my hands when we get back?”
“Yeah, whatever. Just get on the bus.”
And I’m sad to report, although I’ve embellished a little, this whopper is based on an actual event. Keep an eye out for those hand-stealing scoundrels, guys. Yikes. Who knew?