Why I’m Writing a Whopper Today At Lunch Instead of Working Out…

... a whopper, by Jeanne Bradford

Normally during my lunch hours, I go down to our company Wellness Center and work out. Hey, it’s taken 82 pounds off of my bee-hind, and that’s NOT a whopper.

But not today. No, today I’m not doing it! And you can’t make me.

Here’s why.

1.)    Yard gnomes stole my pants. You can’t work out without pants. Everybody knows that. Well, actually you can, at least, until security comes and drags you out of there for indecent exposure. But I’ve already had two warnings this year, so…

2.)    I’m on strike! No more working out until they supply us with sprinkled donuts! I don’t know why they’re so resistant to this idea. A girl needs to keep up her strength, for crying out loud. But no. They’re all, like, that’s not very healthy. Whatev, people! Whatev! All I know is I’m hungry and I’ve got one thing on my mind… and it ain’t boneless, skinless, rubber chicken.

3.)    I have a doctor’s note. Don’t pay any attention to the red scratches over that one sentence that looks like it’s advising to me workout. That’s not what it says. Trust me.

4.)    I’m giving it up for Lent. What? Lent is over? Well, I’m just getting a jump on next year. Yeah! That’s right! Take it up with the Big Man upstairs if you don’t like it.

5.)    I… um… I… have a headache! Yeah, ooh… it’s a corker. Ouch. I can barely see. I’m pretty sure there’s a warning label on every machine in there that says it inadvisable to use it if you have a headache and can’t see.

6.)    There’s a work out advisory today. Yes, the Working Out Advisory Board said, “DON’T DO IT!” Why, thunk I? “CUZ WE SAID!” they said. OK. Not a trouble-maker, me. Um, Reason #1 notwithstanding.

7.)    It has been way too long since I’ve written a whopper and I miss doing it.

So there we have it. You may think my reasoning stinks, but that’s what I’m going with. So there. 

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